Musings
by flashgemini
Summary: ^After the anime^ Alucard is doing the talking in this, forgive me if he's a poetic vampire, he comes off as such in the series. I have not seen the end of the anime, so you are welcome to correct me if i mess it up
1. Reflections in the Darkness

*This is not "Awakening" or any of the series that followed it. Integra is alive and well, or not so well, depending on your point of view. Most of this is from Alucard's view; I probably won't be switching a whole lot. *  
  
A child was all that she was when she awakened me those many years ago. A scared little girl running from one demon and into the arms of another, she didn't know me, nor what I was capable of, and yet here we stand together as we have for such a long time. I remember that night, and the small Integra running into my chamber, scared by her uncle's need for revenge. Her blood released me and her uncle's men perished at my hand. Her fear did not recede. She shot the old man and in that instant the small girl before me grew ever so slightly larger and older, yet at his death she shrunk back to her young form and cried for the one that would help her, the one that wasn't me.  
  
Walter, the angel of death himself, he came to her, dropping his bags at the sight of the dead men and her surrounded by them. He stopped three, maybe four steps in the room and turned away from her. The sigil, it was broken and she was the one that had opened the door. He had called my name, asked if I was there and of course I responded, blood on my hands behind the shivering child. There were no other words between us; he stood before me, shaking his head and ushering her out of my cell. The monster was awake, I heard him say it as he took her away, after everything that he and I had gone through, the war and the ghouls, I was still a monster. I can't blame him, there are times that I can be evil when I want to be.  
  
Monster: somebody whose perceived inhumanity or vicious behavior terrifies and disgusts people. I suppose I'm under that category, but inhumanity, that's just redundant. I disgust my master, though these days the wrong word can do that. She's so tense, my presence doesn't help things along I guess. Does she not remember the things I have done for her, the things I've had to put up with from her? Likely not. I am a figment to her; something she wishes would go away, like a bad dream that will not end. It will, one day when she least expects it, I will be gone and she will be left to fend for herself, so to speak.  
  
My master is not as helpless as I make her out to be, but granted, she is human. There are times that she surprises me, and her greatest time has just passed. I have offered her eternal life, and yet she refuses, remaining stoic in her beliefs that I am a monster and she will not sink as low as to join my kind. Again that word 'monster,' what is the human fascination with that word, as if everything that is old or strange is a monster? Humans are strange creatures, I have lived among them for years, hundreds of years, and yet I cannot begin to comprehend their actions. There are some things better left unexplored I fear, and the human mind is one of them. My mind is another, but that's another story. 


	2. My Master, My Integra

My master, there are things about her that she wishes I didn't know, and times I will never cease to remind her of when Walter is out of the way. She was determined to live her life, her public life, at a day school for girls. I spied on her there, she knew it then and she rues it now. Nights in that school when Walter could not come for her and she was to wait for me, she never waited; it was always me having to find her. One time in particular, she still thanks me for.  
  
A boy's school was adjacent hers, and the boys were not the nice sweet gentlemen that she was accustomed to being around. Of course, the gentlemen were far older than her, they knew better than these boys did, and to think, that the very boy that pushed her would someday be her subordinate. I usually found her in the church praying to God above that I would not find her, how many times did she loose her faith because of my appearance, I cannot say. In the church, the two schools were allowed to converse, or coerce as it may be.  
  
I found her there, not at the altar as usual, but in a pew, forced down by a boy of her own age. He was sitting on her, hands working frantically to get her shirt off before the minister made a reentry. He was trying, I can give him that, and so was she for that matter, trying to get him off and away. Being the good pet that I am I helped her a bit, materializing behind them and scaring the poor boy out of his wits. I've never seen someone move like that since, or had her be so grateful to see me. I watched him leave and turned to her, waiting. She was blushing visibly; maybe she didn't like me watching her redress? I never considered it, but waited till she believed she was presentable and walked out on her own accord.  
  
She was a bit forlorn at the mansion, passive and annoyed. Walter watched her but said nothing, and I watched her as well. Taking my usual seat in her office, she came at the time and stood before me, rather than sitting as far away as she can in the small room. Surprise was not the word I was looking for, though it suited so for Walter, he left in confusion of the whole matter, mumbling to himself. What got me was what she said after he was out of earshot.  
  
"You mention a word of this evening to Walter and I will find some way to kill you, I swear I will. Protector or not, one word and .."  
  
There are ways to stop children in their tracks, and I believe I found the appropriate one for her. To her, I had over-stepped my bounds, and indeed I had, but then again, the boy had done the same and this was merely an experiment in her reactions. Pulling away, she was stunned, rather annoyed. And the punishment I received was expected, there was an audible sound associated with it, she seemed quite pleased and yet there was something else. Perhaps she expected me to hit back, I had never allowed her to swing at me before, much less make contact. There were many a time that I caught her hand, and held her thus in the air till she screamed or I grew bored of the game and released her. This was different, contact had been made and there had been no effort to stop it. She backed away from me then, into the desk and watched as I stood, towering somewhat over her small self. It was there, I had been prepared to strike back and nearly did, but she was waiting for it, and that will not do, it is best to attack when they do not have the time to prepare.  
  
There are times now where I wonder if she would have reacted differently, done something to stop me, or allowed me to continue the little exploit. That was one of many such instances with my master that have lain heavily in my mind, though in hers I doubt the thought has ever crossed her mind for a second time, be it brief or not so. Integra is one of those persons in the human race whose mind presents itself more firmly than her body, and that is one of the reasons I stay beside her.  
  
The other is I simply have no choice in the matter; I was secured to her family and will remain so, till the ends of time. That time may be sooner than expected, my mistress is not likely to have a man in her life any time soon, and without a man, there will be no heir, and I shall be sealed away for all eternity in the basements of the Hellsing Institution. Or perhaps I won't; only time will tell, and I have all the time in the world. 


	3. Those That Fight, Those That Oppose

There have been people in my life, my long life, that have made me look twice at them. Most of which I've turned and run my hand through, killing them in an instant, but there are a select few that have fought beside me, or against me that still make me blink.  
  
One such person is Walter Kum Dorne, the protector of the Hellsing family, generally known as the Angel of Death by those who have fought against him. We were never friends, yet we fought along-side one another during that human war in the 40's. He's an old man now, but still resilient in his beliefs that Integra is his master, and those that harm her in any way, his enemy. He's nearly cut me in half with his little wire trick many a time when he took my actions towards her as an attack rather than a game. He's a good old man, but old is an overstatement and I'm no more willing to share my blood with the elderly than Integra is at taking it.  
  
There are people in this time who would much rather shoot you than work along side you. So far there has only been one man that has driven me to the brink of insanity, and his is no more than an annoying game that will eventually end with one of our deaths. He presides from the Iscariot Organization, special section 13 of the Vatican church, the death-dealing priest, Alexander Anderson. That man, if you can call him that, is a foul creature, not man and not monster but something else, something between the two. A regenerator, a bullet to the head doesn't faze him, cutting off his arms gets his attention, but his determination worries me. We will meet again and I will kill him, if it kills me in the end.  
  
My 'child' knows how people can treat you when they discover your secret. Seras Victoria, she knows all to well the problems faced when one who was human is suddenly thrust into the darkness to be looked down upon those who used to work with you. Her migration to vampirism was her own choice, I offered and she agreed. I found myself reminding her of this fact many times as I watched her, she was quick to learn, but followed rather than lead. I offered once to set her free and she refused, that refusal made me proud in a way that she still wanted to serve under me and learn what she could. Seras, police girl, she's no longer a child; she has grown in these months. Still not the leader she could be, but no longer the follower, I'm pleased on how she has grown into her new life, without regret, or what she has is no longer lying heavily on her mind. She still has much to learn, and in a way, with her, so do I. 


	4. Old Frinends, New Developments

There are things I know about my master that she wishes I did not, some of them more important than others and most things that she herself has chosen to forget. Most involve a moment of weakness on her part, though one was more an hour of love rather than a slip off the block that she holds herself so fixedly upon; though it seemed to accomplish that bit as well. Love is a strange thing in the eyes of humans; they fall for someone and then forget that they ever existed until they are reminded, same for Lady Hellsing, she found him and lost him all in the same day. Funny how memories always come back to haunt one's mind.  
  
His name, I believe was Phillip, though I never caught his last name, I wasn't that interested in him, it was his father that made me look twice. Phillip's father was from another organization in league with Hellsing, that name also escapes my memory, it boggles my mind that I can't recall it, possibly because young Integra turned him down in his offer for assistance after her father's death so well that I had no need to think about it twice. Father and son hung around for a few hours, arranging a return trip home and in that time he and Integra gained a bit of a relationship. He left and never came back and she forgot him in a few weeks without another word. I think it was in that time that she got her first 'human' kiss, seeing as I gave her the first.  
  
It was after the Incognito incident, the mass losses of the men and the eventual release of my master back to the desecrated mansion that young Phillip, who was no longer that young, made another appearance. He was the head of his father's organization and was making great progress when he had heard of the near destruction of Hellsing and had to come see how we came out (we being Integra and Hellsing as a name, not as in Walter and I). He made his arrival on a dreary night, not two days after Integra was released and allowed to come home. I had been speaking to her, taunting her as I always did, when this game was interrupted by the old steward and a tall, slender man that made my master's hair stand on edge.  
  
It took her a while to gather herself and present her name and stress that Hellsing would survive as it always did before she realized who it was. She stumbled over her words for a moment then slapped me in the stomach and told me in plain English to vacate the premises. I did, for the most part, but remained in the room, just out of the visible spectrum. I believe she knew this, but shrugged it off as my protection and I watched her demeanor change as she smiled at him and he relaxed into the couch, nearly in my lap and began yapping about the years gone by. Conversations drifted to and from work, my name was mentioned a few times, but nothing too interesting that I woke myself up for it, until finally it was three in the morning and both were ready for bed. A more interesting night, was not to be seen.  
  
Morning, late morning mind you, found the two in the four-poster bed that is Integra's and wrapped in the blankets so tight it looked as though it was never made at all, merely crawled into and under the sheets. I'm not one to stay through the day, but that was quite the sight and the look that her sleeping body received from myself and her esteemed friend was one of surprise. Laughing my way to the dungeons, I was followed by the butler; he hung around the door to my cell glaring at my back. Our conversation was as follows, unless of course, my short term memory is going:  
  
"Alucard, do you not find it disturbing that you should spy on my mistress the one night she may enjoy herself?"  
  
"You know as well as I that she was aware of my presence in the room and this knowledge did not slow nor stop her actions with that boy."  
  
"Do I detect a bit of anger in you're voice? Jealousy perhaps, I thought vampires such as you were above human emotions."  
  
"You're hearing things old man, I am as much of a servant to her as you are, and I have no doubt that will be the last we see of that boy in this castle. Hellsing does not need help, it needs a leader, and she is one if I have ever met such a human."  
  
"So sorry, you stepped into speech mode and nearly put me to sleep. What was the point of that little diatribe, Alucard? Make your feelings about her known and stop moping around the castle when she ignores them."  
  
"Get out before I decide to bite you instead of this confound blood packet that you feed me."  
  
"Very well, old friend, I will leave you to your misplaced anger, take your feelings up with her, I'm sure she will understand them."  
  
Walter was correct in his assumption, but it was not jealousy that made me angry, or had me spying on her, it was more envy for the boy, Phillip. He is human and because of that he has permissible grounds that allow him leeway in situations such as the one with Integra. I am not human, nor have I been for many a long period, but there are short periods that I envy the human male for his ability to bed whomever he pleases without worry of her disagreeable mood in the morning.  
  
At that time and in this one there is something else that made me pay a bit more attention to my master's relationships. She and I had had a conversation one night about the lack of heir to the Hellsing Institution and that if she took my offer this would no longer be a problem. She refused and decided to make herself an heir, no matter the cost. It was in that same week that Phillip made an appearance and as it stands, I believe she has a new reason to dent my wishes and refuse to take my hand. Integra in time, will be a mother. 


	5. Threats and Promises

It has been nearly 6 months since Integra awoke to find no man in her bed, but blood and a vacant memory of drinking and Phillip. I believe she spent half that day in the shower, feeling terrible and making certain that everyone knew how badly she felt. Walter left her, not wanting to explain that it was her wanting that caused her to feel this way, he knew her moods all too well by now and wished to do nothing to infuriate her more. I, on the other hand, was used to her anger and pushed her buttons in just the right order, getting an interesting response every time I did so. By now she has been showing signs of a child and that second heart beat is stronger day by day. Taunting her is becoming increasingly more interesting as well and her knowledge of my presence is feigning as well.  
  
She doesn't notice me anymore until I walk through the darkness, and even then she seems to ignore the fact that I am there. She is ill, I can tell by watching her. This child is hurting her, but to show weakness is something my master is not one to flaunt her pain. She hides it but now it is not as easy, the child is kicking and the heartbeat is strong. And again I test my boundaries.  
  
"Alucard! You will not touch me in such a fashion again. I am still your master, remember that!"  
  
Again, I believe I have surprised her, but to be struck with such force that she knocked me down, it was not only her that was shocked. Walter was behind me when she did it and upon hitting the floor I glared up at him, the look on his face was either hidden amusement, or utter shock. Probably both in his case, yet hers was that fiery anger that burns as her father's had when I tested him.  
  
"Sir Integra, perhaps he meant it as a compliment?"  
  
"Walter, I know what he meant and it was nothing short of an insult towards my humanity. I do not easily demonstrate my weakness, but this impertinence from you Alucard, I have had enough."  
  
"Master, I told you the truth and you know as well as I that you are ill. A child for you is coming in another few months; you know I'm telling the truth."  
  
I stood, going towards her as I had before she had thrown me backward. This time she let me come with no fight to get away from me. Placing a gloved hand over her lower abdomen where she's carrying the child, I hold my hand there for a moment, feeling it kick my hand. Looking up at her, my eyes met hers for a brief moment before she turned away from me and stared at the desk.  
  
"You're carrying the next heir; I thought you'd be happy. No more offers with a child I suppose."  
  
"I know about the child Alucard, I knew about it when I awoke after Phillip."  
  
"Then why lash out at me like that?"  
  
My hand trails from her stomach up her sides and she shivers under my touch.  
  
"Master, you are so small and helpless in this time, let me help you?"  
  
"Never. Get away from me, and stay away from my child or you will be resealed and forgotten. Is that understood?"  
  
"Clearly."  
  
So I'm to stay away from the child am I? Integra knows and understands that that is one order I will not obey, even with the risk of being resealed, I cannot just leave the heir of Hellsing alone now can I? The child is due in another three months and yet the father has not been heard from, we shall see how this birth will go and how Sir Hellsing will deal with being master of a vampire and mother. 


	6. Complications

Pregnancy and the act of giving birth; I'm a man so I suppose I wouldn't understand the process. Three months have passed and my master's child is soon to arrive. The weather is terrible, the storm outside is keeping us (her and Walter, not myself for I can come and go as I please) grounded, and it seems Walter has left for the doctor. Checking on her, I find her in bed, legs propped up and writhing in pain. I believe I scared her this time, coming in the way I always do, for she screamed and threw a vase at my head.  
  
"Leave me Alucard; I'm in no mood for your games. God, I hope Walter gets back here soon with the doctor, these contractions are getting more painful with less time in between."  
  
Contractions? She had had them since four this afternoon if I remember correctly, Walter had gotten me, a bit early I must say, mentioning something about leaving for the doctor before the storm got too much worse and I was to watch her. It had been three hours since he had left and in that time the weather had gone from bad to worse. It's a funny thing how I can pick up on the wind patterns, the changes and the weather conditions before they strike and as I watched, the rain turned to sleet and snow in a matter of a few moments. Though at the moment, I was certain she didn't want to hear about this change in conditions outside. The wind howled against the windows, making the room seem bleaker, colder; I pulled a chair from the corner of the room and sat beside her, watching as I had been ordered to. She seemed angered by my presence, and tried quite weakly to push me away.  
  
"Leave, I asked you to leave."  
  
"I will not, you are in pain and I intend to watch."  
  
"You're such a helpful person, watch me while I'm in pain. So sweet and thoughtful."  
  
Her humor was misplaced I believe but at that time she spasmed and cried out in pain.  
  
"Where is he!"  
  
"Stuck I imagine, the weather is getting worse."  
  
"Dammed weather, why tonight?"  
  
I wasn't going to leave her, though when I stood from the chair she looked at me, almost thankful that I was leaving her, only to be shot down when I removed my coat, glasses and hat, tossing them over the back and the other coat with them.  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
"Need you ask, master?"  
  
"I never asked you to come here, much less strip down to Walter's attire, you look almost human like that."  
  
The thought struck us both as odd as I took my seat beside her and waited. I knew very well that she could not give birth without help, and without the Angel of Death, she was alone in this, or so she thought. Watching her there, in pain and confusion, I smiled at the fact that my master was finally demonstrating her weakness as a human.  
  
"Alucard? What happened to Phillip? Walter knows and he refuses to tell me the truth."  
  
"His organization was attacked and he went down with it."  
  
Her expression changed then, from pain to sadness and then again to anger.  
  
"Do not lie to me, where is he? I demand you tell me the truth."  
  
"Integra, you know as well as I that he is dead."  
  
"Don't call me that! I never call you by your given name, should I start?"  
  
"I'd prefer if you didn't."  
  
Before she could reply, I watched as her small body seized and spasm again, she cried out this time, with more anguish than the last had mustered, screaming loud enough to shatter my eardrums. When she relaxed and returned to the warmth of the bed, she turned to me, a strange look on her face.  
  
"I think my water broke." 


End file.
